Author: Dr. Liz

Hi guys, it’s Dr. Liz and I wanted to share with you an interesting dilemma I was recently ask about. Appears Cindy’s husband and father of their 2 young kids was caught with a receipt for $5 condoms. Cindy says it wasn’t the “economical version” …it was the “good stuff”! To add further insult to potential injury, her husband had a vasectomy in the recent past and so birth control was no longer a concern. Additional insult to injury… she never saw the condom, only the receipt.

Now her mind was wrestling with so many aspects and angles…was he having an affair? If so, with whom? If not or even if…how dare he do that…. he knew money was incredibly tight with the 2 kids! Anger and anxiety flew through her veins as she thought of all the coffees, lunches, manicures and girl’s get togethers she turned down or avoided to help the family save money…and now he was spending $5 on a condom!?

She quietly searched FB sites and the internet…all signs pointed to an affair…or fetish. Close friends generally had the same thought…he’s cheating! Advice found or offered was to start tracking him via her phone, hire a private investigator, consult with the biggest and baddest attorney money could buy. Others asked if he had any close male friends, did they think he was bi sexual…others questioned her/their sex life…was she meeting his needs post childbirth…did she need to step up her game to keep him interested…did she need surgery to “tighten” things up?! Others shamed and blamed him for breaking the budget, for him not talking with her…basically being a failure of a man, husband, father and provider.  Others quoted their spouses who said –“he’s guilty…he’s having an affair”, other men said “Dude…. use your sock…it’s clean and then just toss it in the laundry” …others said “no way, no man uses a condom to masturbate, jack off…. that’s an affair behavior…he’s lying. Guys use the shower, no fuss, no mess…interruptions.”

Cindy was a deer in the headlights. Did she confront her husband about the $5 condom receipt? Or start tracking him via the phone? Or pack up and take the kids to her parents…. she could not afford to live on her own as she was a stay at home mom. She felt ashamed and betrayed…not knowing what was the truth. Guilty if she wasn’t meeting his needs…pissed off if he justified his behavior because she wasn’t. Just a turmoil of hurt, anger, fear and confusion.

What would you do if you found yourself in this situation?  Start throwing his things into a suitcase and putting it outside the door or on the lawn? Pack you and the kids up and head to the closest relative? Text him and tell him you both needed to talk? Quietly hand him the receipt and ask him to explain?

My advice is to slow down…stop the train. Stop the anger, anxiety…fear. Stop the judgement! Get yourself calm…start thinking and giving the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps there is more to the story than affairs and betrayal. More than breaking the budget. Get quiet and get in touch with your gut. In the end, you may be right in doing the math and coming up with affair or?  But what if it isn’t so simple? What if in the process of the fertility and/or vasectomy procedures your hubby found that he liked the feel or containment of the condom?

The privacy…versus being walked in on while in the shower. The smooth sensation versus the terry cloth of the sock?!  Who’s to judge? Maybe he’s so busy working and ignoring the true finances that he doesn’t get the impact a $5 condom has on the family budget. But you do as you juggle formula, diapers and home expenses. You’re at home and you know you raise the AC to be bearable, but not break the budget…he might not. Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman, budget and finance gurus, consistently talk about how the little expenses add up…. but not everyone is aware of how much $5 might mean to the overall budget.

Step back, take a breath…really breathe. Clear your mind. Remember what you loved about him…why you committed…agreed to be a wife…a couple…have children. Then draw upon a curious and non-judgmental (best as you can as I know this is super tough) place and just ask about the $5 condom receipt. Let him know you are here – no matter what. Keeping in mind our sexual behavior, needs, wants, fantasies can be filled with rights, wrongs, shame, lust, satisfactions…so your hubby may have a struggle being open with whatever…be patient, be open, be smart…listen to your heart and your gut…

This is a very complex topic….so stay tuned to future posts on other angles and dynamics of the $5 condom.

If you’d like to have a free Discovery call with Dr. Liz – just click here to schedule a time to chat. Spaces and times are limited.

Hugs- Dr. Liz

Irrational vs. Rational Beliefs

Ever wonder just exactly what is an irrational belief? And what the big deal is about them? Irrational belief statements contain language that can cause negative and stressful feelings.

These words are: MUST, SHOULD, ALWAYS, NEVER, and ALL. Have you ever caught yourself using these words? Or noticed others around you using these words?

I must never make a mistake.
Mistakes are terrible.
I must always be perfect.
You always mess up/forget/get angry.
I must keep busy at all times.
They never learn.
Life is always fair.
Take a moment and think about how these statements make you feel. How would it make someone else feel if you said that to them? At some time in our lives, most of us have used these words and made these types of statement to ourselves or about ourselves, and perhaps said them to others as well.

Now take a look at rational beliefs and statements. These allow for human imperfection and the unpredictability of life. Some rational statements that could be easily incorporated into your world are:

It is okay to make a mistake.
I can learn from my mistakes.
I can be imperfect.
It is okay for others to make mistakes or be imperfect.
Life is not fair.
I can rest or do nothing at times.
It is okay to say, “I don’t know”, but I will try to find the answer.

Use COULD instead of SHOULD and CAN instead of MUST. This approach allows you to be less self-critical and to recognize your ability to make choices.

Make a list of your beliefs and then rewrite them with more accurate language.
Keep the ABC’s posted and practice making the change from negative to positive thinking.
Take a mental break and refocus on the positive aspects of the day.
Use humor and inspirational message to remind you and those around you that life can be fun.
I am curious, how do you recognize that you are thinking negatively and what do you do to stay positive?

If you’d like to have a free Discovery call with Dr. Liz – just click here to schedule a time to chat. Spaces and times are limited.

Hugs- Dr. Liz

Ever have one of those days when no matter how good you felt when you woke up, it seemed like the world just wouldn’t let you keep that smile? Many people find it difficult enough to inspire and maintain their own positive attitudes; they find if even more difficult when their work environment and/or colleagues actively promote negativity. Even on a good day, a co-worker who has nothing good to say can make the people around him/her feel miserable.

Developing a positive attitude and maintaining it can be simple. The steps involved in creating positive thoughts and identifying the sources of negativity in your life can be as simple as ABC!

Attitudes & Beliefs:

Changing our thoughts and beliefs about an event can change how we feel about the event and ourselves. Dr. Albert Ellis designed a simple way to think about this process using ABC to represent the ideas:

A – the Antecedent or event

B – our Beliefs about the event

C – the Consequences of the event

If we have rational beliefs about ourselves and the world, we can have a positive attitude, a winning attitude based on rational and reasonable beliefs about ourselves and world.

Here are a couple examples of how it works:

Positive Attitude-

A – Antecedent (what happened) “My supervisor counseled me about an error I made at work”

B – Beliefs about myself and my work: If my beliefs are rational and positive “I am a good person”. It is okay for me to make mistakes. I can learn from my errors. I usually do a great job at work.” – then it will be easier for me to acknowledge the error and accept my supervisors corrections.

C – Consequences of the event: I might feel disappointed or embarrassed that I made an error. I might feel glad that it was brought to my attention, so I can learn from it and improve. I would continue to feel that I am good at my job and maintain a sense of pride in my accomplishments.

Negative Attitude-

A – Antecedent (what happened) “My supervisor counseled me about an error I made at work”

B – Beliefs about myself and my work: “I am terrible at work, I always make stupid mistakes and I am incompetent” OR “It wasn’t my fault or they are just being picky.”

C – Consequences of the event: I might feel depressed and unworthy, or angry and wanting to “get even” with those at work. In either case, I would not end up feeling good about myself, my job and those around me.

Making the change

First, listen to your thoughts. What are you saying to yourself about the situation?

Second, ask yourself if what you are saying is accurate. Is it based upon facts or old irrational ideas about yourself and life?

If the messages are true, then proceed to correctly handle the situation.

If the messages are untrue, then get a pencil and paper and write down what you are telling yourself. Why write it down? Oftentimes we really don’t listen to what we are saying to ourselves, yet we act on those messages as if they were true. Writing them down helps us evaluate and see which are accurate and which are not.

Confront the inaccurate statements and rewrite them to be accurate.

Replay the ABC’s using the new accurate statements and note the difference in your feelings about yourself and the situation.

Practice, practice, practice! Listen to others statements and see what you hear in their statements. Are they making accurate statements? What could they say or do differently to handle the situation in a more objective and positive manner.

Let me know, what strategies do you find helpful in minting a positive attitude in the face of negativity?

Tis the season for expectations…and the potential for despair, disappointment…. We all have them…most just lingering under the surface of our thoughts and actions…or responses. With the holiday season upon us – the pressure rises…to meet others and have ours met.

We all have them – year-round – the holidays just seem to stir them up! You know, that tinge of sadness…and perhaps guilt when you see another happy couple, family – all smiles and together…it’s the cold anxiety as you scan your gift list and the declining bank balance. It’s the sheer terror as you wake up post Black Friday…Amazon shopping frenzy to see you have nothing left for the rest of your week.  Finding yourself scanning FB and Instagram…comparing others posts…rushing to match with happy selfies…inspirational quotes…lost in the cute puppies and kitten videos. Watching your spouse and feeling anger that they are not getting it…. whatever it is.

While nothing is wrong with having expectations…most of us are not in touch with what we expect from ourselves and others….and most definitely have not shared these with our loved ones. Holiday time increases our comparisons…reflections and regrets and disappointments.  Borrowing a quote from Tony Robbins, “To change your life, you must change your expectations for appreciation.”

Sounds simple, just swap those 2 words out…life all better…. Right?

Not from what I’ve seen in others or myself! Linda for example… a wife and mother of 4 busy kids…. all spread across the age group…so she and her husband manage preschool to high school kid needs and demands. Add into that she balances a part time job (I know being a Mom is already a full-time job) and college as she has plans for a career – not just a job.  Recently she decided she wanted to stop being so angry…at life, her husband, kids…the dog…herself. But she couldn’t get past the sheer rage and impatience she felt on the drive home.

By the time she walked through the door or drove into the school pick up line…her blood was boiling – on the verge of tears or screaming. Teeth clenched, hands gripping the steering wheel so hard her hands would cramp, and knuckles go white. She was miserable and everyone around her was too.  Kids fought with each other…ignored chores and homework…no punishment worked. Husband either slunk in and avoided…walking on eggshells or “King Kong” like raged and yelled and attempted to corral the kids and get them and the house on track. Nothing seemed to work.

In talking with Linda, we started to look at what the thoughts below the emotions she was having…it was slow going as is for most folks…. these expectations are buried deep with all sorts of rules about having and expressing them. Linda dug deep and let herself feel…. embarrassed, sad, hurt, jealous…. anything and every emotion was full game.

She discovered that she expected to be a better wife, mother…that her choice in husband would have been better, that her kids would have been easier to raise…to be further in her career and not just in school to have a career. She realized she was comparing herself to her friends and FB friends…looking back and judging her decisions she made years ago.  There was not one shred of appreciation for herself or the others…just judgment and disappointment and impatience.

So, she got a grip on herself…and her expectations…and switched them for appreciation. For everything she was angry or disappointed about – she worked hard to turn it into an appreciation. Linda wrote everything down in 2 columns and made a huge effort to match each up…laughing she says she was “neutralizing” her poison thoughts. Linda was right – by switching her focus to one of appreciation and gratitude…she was canceling out the poison and destruction of unrealistic and unspoken expectations.  She said, “the kids think I’ve really lost it” …the other day we walked into the house after a long work and school day to find the dog had been sick…very sick in multiple places throughout the house….and I just sighed and then laughed. I sent the older kids to get cleaning stuff and the younger one to take the dog outside.

As I walked past the landmines to open windows…I kept going through my list of appreciations…I’m lucky to have so many kids to help clean up the mess, lucky that the dog is usually healthy and potty trained, grateful that this did not happen in the morning rush to get out of the house, lucky that we had not replaced the old tile floor with the new wood and carpet I had wanted. I made myself keep finding every little thing I could be appreciative of…right down to HEB having a sale on paper towels last week and my hubby stocking up on them.

I got a grip on myself- my thoughts are now more on appreciation…it’s hard to be angry, sad, disappointed while I’m feeling grateful. I shared this with my hubby and he’s starting to use it too.  The kids still think we are crazy, but they play along when we have a pop quiz on what they are appreciative and grateful for….

Get a grip on your life…write your own expectations versus appreciation list…then use it! Everyday! Read out loud – shout it out -all the things you are grateful for…people you value and appreciate in your life. Change your focus – when your stuck in a long grocery line…play a game with yourself- take control of your thoughts – take advantage of the break and see what good things you can focus on…be in charge of your life…not life being in charge of you.

If you’d like to have a free Discovery call with Dr. Liz – just click here to schedule a time to chat. Spaces and times are limited.

Hugs, Dr Liz